[Thomas J Stamp]

Well, today I have an official engagement with the minister for justice (opening a courthouse). So today I'm teaching you all how to do a fry-up, as I will need one afterwards.

You will need:

1. Four Eggs
2. A packet of Rashers
3. A ring of Black Pudding
4. A ring of White Pudding
5. A packet of Sasauges
6. A packet of mushrooms
7. A frying pan
8. A cooker
9. A knife
10.Some oil

Method:

1. Place frying pan on cooker and add oil. Heat on top setting.
2. Open packet of rasers. It's an easy-open pack.
3. Discover "easy open" is some sort of wicked joke
4. Get sissors to open rashers packet
5. Add sissors to list
6. Take rashers and place them carefully on pan
7. Jump away from pan as you are hit by hot spitting oil
8. Open sasauge packet with sissors, cutting one sasuage in two
9. Cut sausages into eight and empty them onto pan
10. Notice that rashers have shriveled away to nothing.
11. Turn on Grill
12. Reply to wife asking how the mushrooms are going.
13. Lie
14. Get pot
15. Add pot to list of things you need
16. Rip open mushroom packet, cut mushrooms
17 Empty mushrooms into pot.
18 Put pot on cooker at high heat
19. Smell burning
20. Open grill
21 Observe fire in grill as there is another pan stored in there on fire
22. Say "jesus" at top of voice
23 Stare at hands
24 Notice that there is smoke also coming from pan on Cooker
25 Get yourself together, open window
26 Throw pan from Grill out of window.
27 Throw pan from cooker with rashers and sausages after it, decide on a grill
28 Go outside, get second pan back, put back on cooker, low heat.
29 Pick dirt off sauages
30. Crack open eggs onto pan
31. Relax.
32 Smell burning
33 Notice Mushrooms are burnt
34 Pour oil on mushrooms, swirl pot around a bit
35 Attempt to open rings of pudding
36 Cut top of packets, peel away outside plastic
37 Kick cat, who has just come in
38 Cut pudding into even slices, add to pan
39 Turn sausages and puddings regualrly
40 Retrieve burnt rashers from under eggs and place in grill
41 Get plates out and set table
42 Endure pityfull look from wife
43 Smell burning
44 Notice that the rashers are on fire, waft them whilst standing in wifes line of sight
45 turn off everything
46 Evenly dispense the food onto plates
47 Kick cat out of the way
48 Serve
49 Wife notices that the inner plastic is still on the pudding
50 Row with wife
51 Throw food into bin, along with plate

So that's the traditional fry.

Let's be carefull out there.