[Thomas J Stamp]

Just to hep all of ye who live in bedsits and that doodling on maps of dublin with Crayons and dreaming up the "diamond-shaped undergound, sometimes overground, along the canal and under the liffey metro/Very light rail" schemes i'd thought I'd take the time out to teach cooking.

Today, Scrambled Eggs.

You will need:

2 Eggs.
1 oz of Buttler
1 Bowl
1. Saucepan
1 Cooker


Method:

1. Crack open the eggs.
2. Discover that you cant and that you need a knife.
3. Amend list of things you will need to include a knife
4. Crack open the Eggs, remembering to empty them into the bowl
5. Add 1oz of butter.
6. Discover that you dont have a weighing scales
7. Decide that a teaspoon of butter is just about right.
8 Find out that you cant get the butter off the spoon
9. Use your finger to get the butter off the spoon into the bowl
10. Listen to your wife shouting at you for making a mess
11. Glimpse knife at the end of the table
12. Add some more butter using steps 6,7,8 just in case
13. Pick out bits of eggshell that are in the bowl
14. Wipe hand in trousers
15 Repeat steps 10 and 11
16. Discover you dont have a whisk, decide to use fork
17. Add fork to list of things you need
18 Mix in a vigourous manner, spilling the mixture on the table
19 Repeat steps 10 and 11, again
20, Kick the cat
21 Pour the mixture into the saucepan
22 Heat at the top number on the dial
23 Remember to keep stirring
24 Lose fork into the saucepan.
25 shout a lot, kick cat again if if comes near.
26 retreve fork, burning fingers
27 repreat steps 10,11 and 20
28 Endure wife telling you that you're useless
29 Sulk
30 Realise that the saucepan is burning
31 Get everything out of the saucepaan qucikly
32 Stare in disbelief at thge bottoom of the saucepan
33 repeat steps 10,11, 20 28 and 29
34 Shout at child you asked if you're cooking "like mammy now"
35 Shout at wife who shouts at you for step 34
36 throw Scrambled Egg and plate into bin
37 Say "satisfied now? Maybe i should be in the f@@@in pub like the rest of your family"
38 Watch as Wife storms out of house with children
39. Open can of beer, watch world cup
40 Smell burning.
41 Notice that the cooker is on fire, you put the saucepan back on it, didnt you?
42 Discover what a mess those poxy fire extingusers you get in Lidl make
43 Row with wife when she comes home discovering you've burned down the kitchen
44. Fill out insurance forms
45 endure ridicule from mother in law


So that's scrambled eggs.

If anyone else has a recipie they would like to contribute, please fell free to do so.