[Thomas J Stamp]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I was saying to my mum the other day "Vertebrae, disc, spine" and she hit me for talking back.

"Help me doctor, I can't stop singing green green grass of home"
"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me"
"Is that common?"
"It's not unusual"

John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity"

A man got ship wrecked and washed up on a desert island. he looked around -the beach was purple, the trees were purple, everywhere he looked was purple. "my god," he said, "i've been marooned."

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was in the army, started seeing one of the officers above me. However, after a while I was left with no choice but to break it off. She didn't takeit well, so I said "Don't cry for me, Seargent Tina!"

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

"So I wanted to break up with my girlfriend, so I sent her some snow through the post. I think she got the drift."

Man walks into a butchers.
"Bet you £5,000 you can't get those bits of meat down off the top shelf".
"You're right" replied the butcher, "The steaks are too high."



Someone please stop me.